How close can you be to your children before the line of being the parent has been crossed?

When my oldest was 10 I remember calculating just how many years I had until they were grown and hopefully out of the house……Then she turned 18, graduated, and started her own life.  I am currently in negotiations with my youngest, 17, to prevent this event from reoccurring. They grow up too fast and I want to enjoy them while I can. Recently, I have had to redirect my little laddie back towards the path of responsibility and good choices. Without too much detail, let me just say her idea of preparing for the future differs from mine in that hers does not exist and I am “mothering” her.  While I am enjoying my children, I think I am like the majority of parents in that we want our children to be productive members of society, not a drain on the economy, and grown to be amazing leaving their mark – however that is defined.  So when I find out there is trouble at school and see that there is either a lack of ability or desire to propel oneself back on the path of safe and expected, is it not my duty to take matters into my own hands? Intervene? Educate myself in the area of concern so I can effectively fix it? With confidence, I know the answer is yes.

But why does the rift it created bother me so much?  Sometimes parenting is hard and far from fun, but this is the price we pay to have sex. Babies…..that grow.  The thought of becoming a dictator for an unknown amount of time kills me! I want to fix it, not initiate torture treatments = regardless how called for it may be.

So, have I crossed that line?  Opinions will vary i know.  Crystal ball where are you!  I want to see my child’s future,…..

Genetic Flaw? Or Lucky to be so damn amazing?

Living with ADHD has just as many advantages as disadvantages. Being a “Productive” member of society requires pharmaceutical aids to help me stay in my chair and BE productive. Having recently run out of my meds staying in my chair, at my desk, or even in the area around my desk is a task impossible to accomplish.  Frustrating? Absolutely!  Fun? You have no idea…..

The day starts off with the best of intensions to buckle down and focus on my job.  Unfortunately, the nature of my job has its distractions.  Interruptions by calls, co-workers & required consultations leave ample opportunity for me to look right as my focus runs left.  My weakness? Interaction with others.  I thrive on it.  While I try with all my might to stay interested in my busy work, I seize the moment to socialize. If those moments don’t come to me, I go find the moment.  A trip to the break room for water will somehow lead me into the far corners of the building visiting with those in other departments that I am normally unable to visit with.  These detours are short, typically lasting only long enough to stir things up before I am off to the next victim.   This version of me is fun and everyone gets involved in the chaos.  I never overstay my welcome, so generally people are happy to see me.

…..but some days, I get on my own nerves.  I honestly don’t know how many people can say that.  Impulsively speak when I should have paused for just a moment to think about what nonsense just came out of my mouth. Racing thoughts that turn into random actions that I wish I had better control of, at times it leaves me feeling like a prisoner in my own body.  The speed at which the thoughts come hinder my ability to communicate with ease which is probably the worst part. Speech comes out in half sentences and I have to make a conscious effort to slow down, and breathe, just to express myself.  These days I use humor to laugh at myself and ask that someone just pass me the crayons.

This is supposed to be something you grow out of. I must have done something wrong along the way because it is worse now than it was 10 years ago. It is what it is. It has given me advantages in situations throughout my life. Creativity comes in handy EVERYWHERE.  I solve problems. The obvious solution to a problem for me never seems to be the obvious for anyone else.  I am an out of the box thinker.  “The Box” cannot contain me (according to me). With that being said I sometimes miss the simple answers, and complicate the situation.  I am innovative.  I have proposed marketing tools that are currently being developed (I don’t even work in marketing).  I rally the troops and get people involved.  Make no mistake, my hair-brain ideas flop just as often as they are a smashing success, but they never stop coming.

With all that said, when my pharmaceutical aids were ready to be replenished, I paused. As if I had multiple personalities, many shared the opinion that the unmedicated me was the preferred me, the fun me.  Which raised the question, which is better?  Fun? Or Productive?

(Crickets Chirping)

I find myself on the receiving end of silence.  I am not sure when it exactly happened for sure, I have heard the sound of this specific silence for about a year now but it became official sometime before now.  More like 8 months ago, or so, but I am not exactly sure.

What silence you ask?  Thank you for asking I think I am about to burst over this.  I met a man years ago, through a friend of a friend.  We instantly clicked. Due to distance, our relationship grew quickly over phone calls and text messages…….HOURS and HOURS of text messages and phone calls.  In fact, the night he left we text 5 of the 6 hours he drove home.  Our first phone conversation lasted about as long.  Months went on like this with trips between us as often as we could.   Then I freaked out.

We shopped for rings.

We were anticipating a future.

I let life get in the way.  I used it as a barrier between us that hurt him and eventually ended us.

Somehow we started texting again, which led to talking, which led to a mini vacation…….  This was about the time I was coming to the realization that I am tired of living a life where I keep everyone at arms length.  I loved him before and that is not something that goes away. Not something that comes with conditions. Not something that has to be received to be given. I still love him to this day.  We started talking and took this mini vacation all under an illusion that is not normal, hopefully I can explain. We thought about nothing “back home”, we lived fully in the moment.  I realized during one of our drives that I was 100% there, which means in order to survive life after the vacation I would have to have a switch that could be flipped so I could withdraw 100%.  Great in theory and I made it happen.

Usually……..

I realized the calls I got were only in the car when he was driving.  That bothered me.  I was not just somebody!  He claimed to love me.  I expect that to mean the same to him as it means for me to love someone.  They have a special pedestal or category that only things equally as precious or more so find their place ahead.  The evolution of love….   He was breaking his emotional ties with me.

Then he eventually stopped returning text messages. At some point he changed his number. Sadly, this revelation occurred slowly.  I am pretty sure I did not know immediately he changed his number.  When I did find out, I sent him a facebook message because that was the only way I could reach out to him.  I asked him why he couldn’t say goodbye.  I am a smart gal.  Neither of us were moving. Our time had expired. It was not fair or realistic to think life would not go on for either of us, but why couldn’t he tell me?  I never thought he was a coward so I often wonder if the silent treatment was for his preservation and no other reason. But pictures are worth a thousand words and when we were still facebook friends I saw the pictures he posted.  They can be interpreted as innocent or not, I just know only he knows the truth and I never asked for an explanation.  He never responded.  It could have been out of respect for the woman in his life.

I wish I could talk to him.  I wish I could be given the opportunity to be happy for him if he is with someone.  I wish I could stop thinking I may have missed out on my great love.  He and I had amazing times together, deep meaningful conversations, and the sex?  : )  Few compare.  I wish I could stop thinking about him.   Why am I?  And why is it becoming more frequent? I have nothing to give credit for encouraging this to continue, but it does.  Maybe he is going through something? Or not through something…… Maybe he is thinking about me too?  It’s obvious that I am feeding my own delusions now, but it didn’t start out that way.  Regardless,  I have found myself on the receiving end of silence. No matter how much I want to reach out to him I cannot.  We are no longer friends on fb, and he blocked me after my message.  The friend or the friend of the friend are not possible avenues either.  The demise of our relationship took out the friendship with it for other reasons.  Regardless, even if I could I am sure he would not respond.  He mentioned once before he doesn’t maintain friendships with ex’s. I seem to encourage it in my life. Maybe the silence and having no outlet is what is driving me mad.  I am always the one setting the tone, in control.

The internal turmoil continues. I NEED to talk to him. I NEED to hear his voice.

I NEED to learn to live with the silence.

JJ

Even on the most uneventful days…….

Is it bad to sleep 24 hours straight?  No I am not depressed.  I was just tired…… I think.  Why should I feel shame associated with my “nap”?

It’s Saturday.  It’s rainy.  It’s my day off, WITHOUT kids around.  Yes!  I think I will sleep till my back hurts! And I shouldn’t care what the public thinks.  Yet, I do care in the tiniest way.  Could I have used this time more wisely? Probably.  But did I miss any important events?  No.  The rain still drenched everything with or without my participation.  Which leads me to……..

Unfortunately, it drenched the dogs too.   My peaceful slumber was slightly interrupted this morning so I could take #2 to work. It was this time the K-9 kids went outside to do their business and play (it was NOT raining).  I let them stay out and play when I returned home and decided to take a “nap”. Unfortunately, at some point, the sky started to fall.

Sleeping during a storm is magical!  Even if I wasn’t asleep completely, I was enjoying the sounds of the storm. (What dogs?)  Fast forward 8 hours… TIME TO GET UP!  Eventually I would have to leave to pick up #2 from work.  That is when I realized the dirty deed had been done.

Two things went through my mind………  Oh how miserable they must be, and……. #2 is going to kill me.  (Sometimes my kids scare me, don’t judge!)

In a rush I brought the K-9 kids in and they were only slightly wet. Saw the depressed, abused, look on their faces and celebrated them with treats! (Because I don’t know any other way)  Dried them off and left to retrieve the real parent of this evening.

Funny thing…….  While I was apologizing to the dogs and covering my tracks it started raining again.   #2 was waiting outside for me to get her.  : )  I laugh not out of meanness, but out of something else.  It’s these little things in life that feel like paybacks for the grey hairs and the worry lines that may or may not be developing.

It is after 8PM and I feel like the day is ready to begin.  Soooo, maybe sleeping away the day was not the best thought out plan, or is this just another example of how TIME is evil and the dictator of control and alleged order?  Blog for another time.  For now, I am off to the gym.

Xoxo

JJ

A beginning to a beginning

Welcome…Hello….First time blogger here.  I’m just an extraordinary gal giving insight into an everyday life with a unique perspective on the people surrounding me.

Tales of The Group and the characters who unwittingly participate.

Secrets within me that I credit Jill for, my alter ego.

Who really knows what rabbits will be chased and where we will end up.   Grab a beverage, wear a helmet, get ready for the ride.

JJ

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