I find myself on the receiving end of silence. I am not sure when it exactly happened for sure, I have heard the sound of this specific silence for about a year now but it became official sometime before now. More like 8 months ago, or so, but I am not exactly sure.
What silence you ask? Thank you for asking I think I am about to burst over this. I met a man years ago, through a friend of a friend. We instantly clicked. Due to distance, our relationship grew quickly over phone calls and text messages…….HOURS and HOURS of text messages and phone calls. In fact, the night he left we text 5 of the 6 hours he drove home. Our first phone conversation lasted about as long. Months went on like this with trips between us as often as we could. Then I freaked out.
We shopped for rings.
We were anticipating a future.
I let life get in the way. I used it as a barrier between us that hurt him and eventually ended us.
Somehow we started texting again, which led to talking, which led to a mini vacation……. This was about the time I was coming to the realization that I am tired of living a life where I keep everyone at arms length. I loved him before and that is not something that goes away. Not something that comes with conditions. Not something that has to be received to be given. I still love him to this day. We started talking and took this mini vacation all under an illusion that is not normal, hopefully I can explain. We thought about nothing “back home”, we lived fully in the moment. I realized during one of our drives that I was 100% there, which means in order to survive life after the vacation I would have to have a switch that could be flipped so I could withdraw 100%. Great in theory and I made it happen.
Usually……..
I realized the calls I got were only in the car when he was driving. That bothered me. I was not just somebody! He claimed to love me. I expect that to mean the same to him as it means for me to love someone. They have a special pedestal or category that only things equally as precious or more so find their place ahead. The evolution of love…. He was breaking his emotional ties with me.
Then he eventually stopped returning text messages. At some point he changed his number. Sadly, this revelation occurred slowly. I am pretty sure I did not know immediately he changed his number. When I did find out, I sent him a facebook message because that was the only way I could reach out to him. I asked him why he couldn’t say goodbye. I am a smart gal. Neither of us were moving. Our time had expired. It was not fair or realistic to think life would not go on for either of us, but why couldn’t he tell me? I never thought he was a coward so I often wonder if the silent treatment was for his preservation and no other reason. But pictures are worth a thousand words and when we were still facebook friends I saw the pictures he posted. They can be interpreted as innocent or not, I just know only he knows the truth and I never asked for an explanation. He never responded. It could have been out of respect for the woman in his life.
I wish I could talk to him. I wish I could be given the opportunity to be happy for him if he is with someone. I wish I could stop thinking I may have missed out on my great love. He and I had amazing times together, deep meaningful conversations, and the sex? : ) Few compare. I wish I could stop thinking about him. Why am I? And why is it becoming more frequent? I have nothing to give credit for encouraging this to continue, but it does. Maybe he is going through something? Or not through something…… Maybe he is thinking about me too? It’s obvious that I am feeding my own delusions now, but it didn’t start out that way. Regardless, I have found myself on the receiving end of silence. No matter how much I want to reach out to him I cannot. We are no longer friends on fb, and he blocked me after my message. The friend or the friend of the friend are not possible avenues either. The demise of our relationship took out the friendship with it for other reasons. Regardless, even if I could I am sure he would not respond. He mentioned once before he doesn’t maintain friendships with ex’s. I seem to encourage it in my life. Maybe the silence and having no outlet is what is driving me mad. I am always the one setting the tone, in control.
The internal turmoil continues. I NEED to talk to him. I NEED to hear his voice.
I NEED to learn to live with the silence.
JJ
ajilladay 